#now i'm getting deeper into simblr it suddenly feels very big and scary and i don't want to show myself any more

[azeterna]

context, tldr i've socially isolating myself for 10+ years out of massive fear of rejection and i'm trying to break out of it through simblr of all places.

there's a part i didn't mention that's even worse, it limits what i can do with my life and it makes no fucking sense for anyone to even think like that.

my fear of showing any thoughts or personality or interests got to the point where there didn't even have to be any people around to judge me. i'd be ashamed of myself, for doing things by myself, because if people knew they might be judgemental about it.

i never sought out new interests even if i could do them without anyone else knowing, hell i couldn't even bring myself to read about them. i'd see people talking about what games and movies they like and be too scared to watch or play them myself. i never even tried new music unless it came up in my playlists and i could convince myself i didn't do anything to find it.

if i got bored of what i like i'd get bored of life.. even here i often finish my cc after i've lost interest in it bc there's nothing else to do.

there were maybe 5 people i was "friends" with online who could convince me to try something new.. even then it was only if they told me i'd like it (and one of the games they got me to try was the sims, so yay?)

so yeah, the thing i'm hiding isn't that i'm some wild freak with crazy ideas, it's that i'm completely fucking empty.

and it makes me feel like i'll never fit in here, or anywhere. every time people talk about their life outside simblr, every reference they make, every fandom that i see my moots going wild over goes straight over my head.

even if i got over the fear of doing things (and no, i haven't yet, no matter how much i know it's irrational), the amount of experiences i've missed out on feels like it's insurmountable and trying to catch up would be hopeless.

like really what do i even do from here?